Thoughts from a Facebook time out

Have you ever set an impulsive or unrealistic consequence?

 

Do you shake your head in embarrassment knowing you disciplined first without knowing the facts?

 

Did you feel so fearful of a situation that you responded with undue caution or restriction?

Sigh.  Hi, Parents.

I write this as I sit in my first week of a Facebook time out.                           

Yes.  Me.  Good girl managed to tick off Facebook within her second week on the site!

I inadvertently triggered a Facebook algorithm that led to suspicion of spamming so they put a block on my account. I can't like or reply to my Facebook posts.

Well intentioned followers are trying to talk to me and I won't be allowed to reply for three more weeks!

What a helpful reminder about the consequences we set for kids.

Facebook did it all wrong.

1. They consequenced without asking questions
2. They didn't allow me to discuss what had happened or let me explain my side
3. Something that I did by accident in 5 seconds led to a punishment lasting 4 weeks
4. They didn't explain what I should do instead.  I had to ask a friend.
5. They taught me nothing.

However, as I sit in my unrealistic consequence, I can tell you how you can do it better for your child.

Here's a consequence guide to help you have a fair response:

1. What is the behavior you are trying to address? 
2. Why is it wrong and what do you want to teach instead?
3. Check in with yourself.  Are your feeling calm? If not, take space.
4. Check in with your child.  Is he/she calm? If not, provide some cool down options.  There will be time for consequence later.
5. Using a calm tone, at your child's eye level, ask your child what their intent was behind the behavior
6. Correct the thinking error.
7. Explain what you wanted to see instead.
8. Name the consequence. Connect it to what you wanted to teach in #2.
9. After the consequence, quickly check in with your child, reinforce the lesson and reconnect.

It's so much easier said than done, I know.  Sometimes answers like this just lead to more questions. 

Do you have a question? 

 

Ask me here in the comment session.

 

I'd be happy to answer. 

Taking the Mystery Out of Talking to Teens

A recent LinkedIn discussion centered around the question "If you had five minutes to share your greatest passion, what would it be and what would you say".

My answer: "How to Talk to Teens".  Yep.  Seriously.  No big world issue.  No big political discussion or hobby. Just straight talk on Talking to Teens.

Here's the thing.  I think teens are one of the most disenfranchised groups in our world today.  They are misunderstood and discounted. 

 

The biggest mistake I hear in "teen talk" is silence. 

It is so often assumed that there is no point in talking to teens because they won't listen.  It's assumed that they are just going to go off and do whatever they want anyway, so why bother telling them what to do.

This makes me crazy!

Tell kids of all ages what you want them to think.  If you have an opinion on sexual behavior between teens, let your teen know what your value is.  They should know where you stand on underage drinking, behavior on social media platforms, and a whole host of other things. 

When you assume that your teen has already made up his/her mind, you are giving up your personal power. 

 

You are handing your influence away. 

 

To who?  To their friends.  To other people on Facebook or Twitter.

Teens tend to isolate at times.  It is normal kid behavior and developmentally appropriate for them as they learn to separate from you.  That's ok. Give them their space but always create opportunities for them to come back when they are ready, rather than letting them stay gone.

 

No matter, what, keep talking to your teens. 

 

They may not talk back all the time but that doesn't mean they aren't listening.

Here's another secret.  Teens have a lot of opinions of their own.  They care about things.  They are developing their own social conscience and are determining their values.

Ask them what they think.  Show teen curiosity about their ideas and opinions.  Ask a follow up question.

Teens behavior can make us all nervous.  It can seem mysterious and foreign and we can worry about risk.

Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions. 

 

Just like we hear over the loud speaker in public transportation stations, "If you see something, say something".

 

If your teen is acting in a way that you don't understand, ask and show curiosity. 

 

The answer is often a lot less scary than whatever you are assuming it to mean.

 

Meet your teen where he/she is at.  While you may be expecting a good 1:1 conversation, you may learn that your best conversations happen in the car when they are protected from the pressure of eye contact. 

 

And as must it pains me to say it and you to read it:

 

Teens are texting these days and they are reading texts.

 

An easy way to keep in contact with your teen is through texting. 

 

Don't just text rules and reminders about curfew. 

 

Keep in touch with conversation. 

 

You'd be surprised in what you might get back.

 

 

Of course, as with anything, text in moderation. It can't be your sole mode of communication with your teen.

 

What's most important here is that you keep the conversation going.

 

You'll maintain your relationship with your teen.

 

 You'll increase the likelihood that when they have a tough decision to make, it's your voice they hear. 

 

 

Ok, so that probably was longer than a 5 minute talk.  As you can see, it's my passion. 

 

If you're needing help connecting with your teen, contact me, and we can get started on helping you get that conversation going.

 



 

We're All Just Grown Up Kids

One of my favorite "Heather-isms" is that "We are all just grown up kids".

When, as adults, we are struggling with something, if we tune into what a kid would need in that situation, we often find the answer.

Recently, in my quest to "dare greatly", I have been tackling new things.

As with anyone, they have brought up some old school insecurities that make me want to run away, hide, and challenge myself another day. 

This weekend, in an effort to burn off some of that stress and worry, I challenged myself with two new workouts. Yesterday was kickboxing at a real MMA gym that involved real boxing gloves and bag.  Today was a free Ultimate Bootcamp class outside.  If you're in the area, you know that means sit ups and push-ups in 90 degree weather!

If you told me last year that I would be doing those things, I'd have laughed and told you that you had mistaken me for someone else, someone more bad ass!  However, this weekend, that bad ass was me!  I overcame two new challenges that I never thought I would before. It reminded me of an important lesson that I try to teach kids:

Sometimes, if you find something that causes butterflies in your stomach, you can remind yourself of something brave you did and use that memory to tell the butterflies to go away.

As I continue to dare greatly and tackle those insecurities, I can remind myself of what I accomplished this weekend and use that to power through doubts and fears.

Parents, you are always tackling new things either as a parent or simply as a grown-up.  These moments can sometimes leave you with doubt and insecurity.  You might tell yourself that someone else would be doing a better job.

In those moments of doubt, remind yourself of the greatest challenge you overcame. 

Use that memory to fuel yourself through your current insecurity.  

I promise you.  You've got this.

Call out to Fathers: "Lean In" to your presence as a parent

This past week, I was reading a blog in the Huffington Post on parenting.  I happened to notice that the "Parenting" section in the Huff Post is actually a subsection of their "Women's" department.  I find this so disturbing and so telling of where we are as a culture in terms of our views on parenting.

As far as we have come in some things, it is still viewed as the "women's department". I was about to hop on my soapbox and fire off an op-ed exclaiming what a bad message this sends to fathers and what a poor reflection it is on our current views on parenting.

I still might write that letter but a second thought quickly followed- an awareness that just as Sheryl Sandberg has been working with women to "Lean In" to their potential in the workplace, her same concepts could easily be applied to men on the homefront.

Heads up, Dads.  This is a call to action.

First.  Do an inventory.  Have you been sitting at the table?  Do you feel present in the day to day goings on with your kids?  Are you active in decision making and in their fun? 

You should have days where you are the "good cop" and days when you're the "bad cop" but whatever your role, you should be present.  Just as Sandberg calls out women for giving up their voice in decision making, men sometimes to do the same in their families.

Usually, it's with good intention.  It's easier to let the moms lead and be in charge while they are at work or doing other household tasks. The whole divide and conquer thing has a lot of appeal and let's face it, sometimes moms can be downright controlling in how they want things run!

It's important to be involved in parenting and not just behind the scenes in side conversations with their mother but out loud and in front where the kids can see.

It's important that kids see both parents present in the decisions and activities that affect them.

Dads, you have to sit at the table.  Get involved.  Have a point of view.  Share it. 

Secondly, make your partner a real partner.  Too often I see a divide in families where women are in charge of the kids while men are in charge of the house maintenance, financial planning, and upholding discipline.  This creates so many problems in families as it builds resentment in couples and runs the risk of creating unnecessary distance between dads and their kids. Not always but sometimes.

Mostly, when there is such a rigid division in roles, families as a whole lose out.  Parents each bring different strengths and weaknesses to the table and having both present adds for closer relationships, improved communication, and more consistency in living according to family values.

Moms, this is a call out to you, too.  If Dad wants to be more involved, you have to let him.  That might mean a few extra steps in the decision making process.  You might have to give up some control and your well established routine may be challenged.  That's ok.  Let it. 

Lastly, Dads, don't leave before you leave. In her reference, Sandberg calls out women who check out of their professional growth once they decide they may be leaving the workforce.  I see families where dads have a tendency to do this. 

While still at the table, hanging out with their kids, or getting ready in the morning, they disengage and are already in "work mode" before they have even left home. They are distracted, checking work email and making work phone calls.  We all know this is a necessary evil sometimes but not all the time and not as often as we have a tendency to do it.

Dads, as much as possible and within reason, when you're home, be home. 

Stay connected and in tune with the goings on in your home and in the lives of your children. 

You are the parent and an integral part of your child's life. 

Society and culture may be telling you in subtle and direct ways that you have a supporting role and this is simply not true.  You are important and you have important things to contribute to your family and to your relationship with your children.

Be present.  Stay connected. Don't leave your seat at the table empty.  Lean In.

What I Learned about Parenting from a Pepper Jelly Vendor

This weekend was one of those perfect spring weekends here in New England and I took advantage by attending a craft fair. I couldn't help but people watch as I saw vendors selling their crafts.

Some vendors were animated, waving me to their table to see their items. 

Some vendors sought out communication with their visitors, telling them stories and anecdotes about their products.

It was clear that some were interested in connecting and relating while others were not.

Some vendors didn't look up when I approached their table.

Some carried a bored expression when I approached, almost as if they were assuming I wasn't going to buy something.

One man stood out from the crowd.  He was selling pepper jelly, something I am sure very few came to the fair hoping to find.  Yet, his table was crowded as he engaged a group of visitors at his table.  He held a spontaneous game of truth or dare as he dared us to try his habanero jelly.

 

I wasn't brave enough to try the jelly but I did walk away with some talking points for all of you:

 

 

As parents, are you present for your kids?

Strange as it may seem, that pepper jelly was his "baby" and he knew every nuance about it.  It's important to know your kids.  Know their likes, dislikes, opinions, friends.  Know what they think about things. Staying present and attentive helps them shine.

 

Don't parent on autopilot. It was clear that for some vendors, selling their wares was so "been there, done that".  They seemed bored, disinterested.  Their bored expressions made me wonder how attentive they still were to their craft. My story was that they were just stuck with a stale formula that seemed to work.

 

The pepper jelly man was not stagnant. He kept trying new things, much like I encourage parents I work with to do.

 

     Bringing new ideas to the proverbial kitchen table helps parents tune in their kids. 

 

          It shows kids that their parents are paying attention. 

 

               It illustrates your investment as parents.

 

While some vendors wore expressions assuming no one was buying what they were selling, the jelly salesman acted with a positive attitude, as if he knew he'd make a sale.

 

Parents could learn a lot from him. So often, I see parents who move through their world assuming their kids will act out, do drugs, try something unsafe.  It is such a given for them that sometimes, they don't bother telling their kids what they want them to think.

 

Yes, it is natural and expected that kids and teens will test boundaries and limits.  It's almost in their job description.  That does not mean, though, that you stop telling them your values, what you believe and what you expect from them.

 

Yes, they may act out anyway but make the pitch.

 

Stay present.

 

Connect with them on your message. 

 

They may act disinterested.  They may walk away.  They will also remember and learn what you think and they may come back.  By staying silent, you almost force them to choose their own direction.

 

Stop that sabotaging behavior today. 

 

 Find out how parent mentoring can help you make the tough sell so your kids know what you think and where you stand.







Quick Tip for Raising a Confident Child

Did you know you are holding an easy parenting tip right in the palm of your hand?

Want to raise a confident child?


Start today.

Take the time to teach your child how to deliver a confident handshake.



Yep.

Sometimes, it really is that simple.    

A firm handshake.   

Eye Contact.

A smile.

Teaching a child to initiate an interaction with an act of confidence builds confidence.

Think about the last limp handshake you received and the impression it left you with and what you thought about that person. Teaching your child  how to make a good first impression increases their likelihood for success in any number of situations.

Any time a child has an opportunity to shake a hand, reinforce the skill.

It communicates self-confidence.

It welcomes a favorable response.

It's literally a life skill that will last a lifetime.

If this quick tip has you considering a stronger grip the next time you shake a hand, even better.

Raising confident kids starts with being a confident parent.



For more quick tips and tricks on raising confident kids, check out my Pinterest page.

Talking to Kids about the Unthinkable

Just recently, parents around the world were in a shared struggle: How do I talk to my child about a bombing?

Sadly, in the wake of several recent news events, parents are having too many opportunities to practice these kinds of conversations.                                        

Still, it can be a challenge to find the right words or know how to respond. Here are some tips to guide you:

1.     Remember, if everyone is talking about it, your kids are for sure hearing about it.  It’s natural to want to protect kids from bad news but not telling them is often not the answer.

• They’ll hear whispers. They’ll see sad and worried expressions around them.
• If someone doesn’t say what the upset is, they will create their own story about it.
• That story is often worse and more personal to them than the actual news event.
• They’ll imagine you dying or divorcing before they think of something bad happening to people they don’t know.

2.     Tell kids in simple, direct terms what happened. Use short sentences. Be direct about the facts and don’t use too many adjectives.

You’re overwhelmed with
how awful the event is but the kids
don’t need to know that level of detail.

3.     Answer questions directly and only answer the question asked.

4.     Reassure kids of their safety. Younger kids will benefit from seeing safety measures in place (locked doors, closed garages, shut windows…) Older kids will benefit from safety reminders of what to keep in mind during times like this.

5.     If appropriate to your child, ask them how they might like to help. After the bombing, adults rushed to give blood. They donated money.  They went for a run, themselves.  

We feel soothed by
doing something instead of just watching.

Kids are the same way. 

Ask them if they’d like to do something.
Don’t be worried or attach a story
of your own if they say no. 

6.     Get back to normal.  If your TV isn’t usually on 24/7, turn it off during times of crisis (if it is on that much, stay tuned, I’m bound to have a blog about that at some point down the line!).

Maintain the family schedule and routine
as much as the situation allows. 

Kids are reassured by routine.
Adults are, too.

These are the talks no one wants to have. If you have to have one and are stuck finding the words, see my website for more information or contact me.  I’m happy to help you find the words for your speechless moments.