Mad Parenting: Your school-aged child

With little kids, managing anger involved:

1. Preventing anger when possible
2. Remaining calm during an outburst
3. Gaining an understanding of what was upsetting
4. Responding with consistency.

It can be fairly black and white when considering preschoolers and anger. 

As kids enter elementary school, the shades of grey can emerge.  This is when kids learn that anger can be a defense against feeling the more uncomfortable feelings like sad, disappointed, jealous, or embarrassed.  Much like us grown-up kids, they will learn that mad can hide those softer feelings.

After, all, being mad can feel awesome sometimes! 

When you're mad, you're in control.  People pay attention to you.  They may even hesitate around you.  Anger can give us a sense of power in powerless situations and kids are quick to figure that out.

As kids get older and learn about their anger, the adult's "job" essentially remains the same:

• Understand what is upsetting your child
• Validate your child's experience
• Consistently respond to behaviors that deserve consequences with consequences
• Offer ways of calming down
• Guide your child through a process of resolution

Sometimes, though, the behavior and response your child is having is so startling that everything you instinctively know goes out the window.  You get scared that something is seriously wrong with your kid.  You worry that it's all your fault somehow.  You become frozen in the worry place and everything quickly goes to hell in a handcart.

What anger can look like in school-aged kids:                                 

• "I hate you" or"I wish you were dead", or worse, "I wish I was dead".
• Acting out by throwing something or hitting
• Isolating by refusing to talk or join activities
• Irritability and low-frustration tolerance

Nothing makes the phone ring faster in my office than when a parent hears rage-filled words or sees aggressive behaviors like these coming from their child.  It can be paralyzing to hear such anger coming from such a small body. It's scary to see your child act with aggression. In the wake of the Newtown, CT tragedy, parents hear these words and worry that their child could someday be capable of destruction.

What to know:

• It is normal for kids to feel and experience rage
• They are feeling powerful emotions and exploring powerful responses to them
• These are misguided attempts to get control of a situation (just as when a careless driver cuts us off with kids in the car and we suddenly want to run the driver off the road).
• Kids are usually feeling out of control when they say or do these things
• They need adults to take control and help them calm down
• Kids say things they don't mean, too!
• Kids are sensitive to changes in their environment.  When changes occur that they don't understand, they respond by acting out. This gives them a sense of control they are looking for.

What to do:

1. Stop freaking out that your child actually means these angry statements and behaviors and stay calm
2. Talk about and validate the obvious changes to the environment that your child may be responding to: If someone has been sick or if there is conflict in the family, say so and validate that these things can be upsetting. Don't pretend these things away or tell yourself a story that they aren't "kid business" or something that is affecting them.
3. Ask questions and show curiosity about what they are thinking or feeling
4. Try to understand the situation
5. Validate the feeling.  You don't have to validate the behavior.
6. If you don't think they should feel that way, pipe down.  Validate anyway.  How did it go for you the last time someone told you that you shouldn't feel a certain way?
7. Help your child calm down.
8. Refrain from the teachable moment until the child is calm. No one learns when they are agitated.
9. Ask your child what he/she wanted you to hear in their moment of upset vs. what they actually said
10. Explain to your child, the effect those words have on you and how they make you feel
11. If you have had this conversation before, now might be the time to deliver a consequence for scaring other people
12. Offer ways your child could have responded differently by:
1. Taking space
2. Punching a pillow
3. Finding a safe space to jump up and down
4. Running or exercising
5. Talking to someone
6. Reading
7. Screen time
8. Drawing and art
9. Playing with animals (if calm, of course)
13. Remember that all of these are good options your child can try before an outburst
14. During an outburst, you will need to be directive in calming your child down and only use options that make sense. Rewarding angry words with screen time, for example, sends a mixed message.

This stuff isn't easy and when your fears get in the way, it only gets harder.

Let me know how I can help.

Mad Parenting: Toddlers and Preschoolers

In my introduction to the Mad Parenting series, I challenged you to check in with yourselves about your own experiences and thoughts about anger.

No, it wasn't because my therapist side was starting to itch!

It's because it's important for you to see your child's anger differently than you see your own.

 

Here are some tidbits about anger in toddlers and preschoolers.       

• Anger in toddlers and preschoolers is normal and to be expected.
• These tiny people are trying to learn so many new things and sometimes they don't have words for all of the things that they are learning.
• Angry behaviors become a way of communicating when they lack the words.
• With this age group, anger is less about aggression and more about learning the power and control they can have in their environment.
• Kids begin to learn that when they choose certain actions, they can get BIG reactions and they test that out.
• These young ones are smaller than their environment so good ol' fight or flight kicks in.  They either run to hide behind you or they puff up and defend.

The best way to manage your child's anger is with prevention. 

Activity Prevents Anger

• Toddlers and preschoolers have a ton of energy running through their bodies.  
• Without opportunities to release that energy naturally through play, running outside, and physical activity, they are more likely to have a low frustration tolerance

Prevention is all about Preparation. 

• If you know what typically sets your child off, have a plan
• If your daughter always cries and tantrums when it's time to leave the playground, you can prep her with extra reminders before it's time to go and name something for her to look forward to when she gets home.
• If your son has more outbursts when he's tired, you can work on insuring that naps and quiet time are more consistent.
• Set your kids up for success by practicing things they may struggle with. 
• Remind your child of the rules and consequences before the activity.
• Reinforce the skills you are trying to teach by praising them when they remain calm during a frustrating time. 



What to Do When Your Little One Acts Or Responds in Anger

• Remain calm. Remember what I said about kids learning how to get big reactions out of their environment?  If you overreact in the moment, getting that big reaction will be reinforced.
• Respond Quickly and Consistently.  Each time your child acts out or reacts with anger, he/she should receive the same response from you.
• Using a neutral voice tone, at their eye level, calmly validate that you see they are upset
• Encourage them to remove themselves from the situation so they can tell you what's bothering them
• No one can learn anything when they are upset.  This is why it's important for your child to be calm before you teach.
• Once you have a handle on what's bothering them, Explain: 1)what you saw, 2)why it was wrong, and 3) what they could do instead.
• If appropriate, label a consequence.
• After the consequence, reinforce the teachable moment and send them on their way
• If necessary, guide an amends process.
• This may mean retrieving a toy they threw and putting it back
• It may mean an apology or accepting responsibility for someone they may have hurt

What if I don't agree with the whole calming before consequence thing?

I'm sure some of you will want to skip the whole calming down part and move right to a consequence. 

That's fine.

However, I usually think that immediate consequences are more appropriate for older kids. In theory, they have already learned these lessons a number of times, have had opportunities to practice, and chose to act out in anger anyway. 

Toddlers and preschoolers are just not that sophisticated.  They don't have that processing ability and shouldn't be expected to.

Need the Cliff Notes?

1. Prevent Anger When Possible
2. Remain Calm
3. Gain An Understanding of What is Upsetting
4. Respond Consistently

Still feeling unsure?  This stuff isn't easy.  A 30 minute consult might help you out and I am happy to help.

 

Don't miss the next installment in this series! Go to the top right of this page and sign-up for email notifications and the next entry, "Mad Parenting: School Aged Children" will be sent right to your inbox.

 

Until next time,

Heather

 

 



Mad Parenting: Are You Good With Anger?

Is your kid allowed to be angry? Are you?

This moment is either already familiar to you or is one that leaves you with a feeling of dread.

Your child throws a toy in frustration.

Your little one cries uncontrollably and is inconsolable.        

Your teen slams a door.

You hear rage-filled words like "I hate you" or "I wish you were dead".



If you're the parent of a younger child, you might call it a "meltdown".  For your older child, you might consider it a "phase" or console yourself with the thought that "she just needs to learn to accept no for an answer".

Parents,  let's call this what it is.  Your child is angry.  Mad.  Frustrated. Maybe even enraged.

Anger is something that us grown-up kids have a real problem with.  We're not supposed to get angry.  We're not supposed to want to throw something against a wall.  If we feel that something in life is unfair, we're supposed to just deal with it.

Over and over again, we receive societal messages and expectations that tell us not to get mad.  This is what we've been taught and as a result, this is what we are teaching our kids.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Before I can help you manage and accept your child's anger, I have to help you first understand and accept your own.

Anger is just a feeling.  It has no more power over you than happy or sad.  It has a bad reputation because it is what sometimes leads people to scream, throw things, or lose control. So, we try to shut it down quickly,

That "shutting it down" is repression and when we repress our feelings, any of our feelings, they come out in other ways.  They may surface through depression.  You might withdraw from the relationships that make you feel angry.  Your body may literally hurt as your anger tightens into tension within your muscles.

We're all just grown-up kids here and what is true for us is true for kids. 

If they don't get to be angry, feel disappointment, and yes, even rage, their feelings will just show up in other ways.  Younger kids may have trouble settling for bed, have more crying spells or may struggle when playing with other kids.  Older kids may withdraw, stop talking, sulk about, and answer questions in short, rude tones.

These changes in kid behavior are what makes parents so nervous.  This is where the temptation to push the anger away and quickly redirect it comes from.  That makes sense.  No one will feel comfortable watching their child feel angry. 

That's ok.  You're the parent.  You're supposed to feel that way.

However, accepting and validating that your child or teen feels anger is the first step toward helping him or her manage it.

Don't worry.  I am not about to tell you to embrace a slammed door and relish in hearing hateful words.  They are not acceptable responses to anger and you'll have to teach your child to do better. 

I can help with that as we continue here.

Are you ready? 

In the coming weeks:

1. I am going to continue this conversation on anger. 
2. I am going to teach ways of validating the feelings your child is showing or expressing.
3. I am going to provide words and skills you can use with your child in those moments.

As you prepare for this journey with me, prepare yourself and take stock:

• How comfortable are you when you are feeling mad or angry?
• What sorts of things make you feel mad or angry?
• What do you do in those moments?
• Do you think the people in your life allow you to be angry?
• If not, how does that make you feel?
• How does it feel to watch someone else angry? 
• What was the last thing that made you mad?  Did someone validate it or minimize it?
• When you are angry, what do you need to feel calm?

I am sure you're impatient for me to just get to it--to jump in to helping you help your kid.

Not so fast. 

Before you help your child with his/her anger, you have to know what you are bringing to the table. 

• Get in tune with your thoughts and values about anger. 
• Prepare yourself to accept that your child gets mad and even feels rage. 

Depending on your own personal history with anger, this might have you feeling nervous, fearful, or insecure about your abilities. 

It's ok.  You've got this. 

We're going to work together and I am going to show you how.

Still with me? 

This has been a long one and I thank you for sticking with me.

Don't miss out on what comes next: when I talk about working with managing the anger in your little ones. 

Make sure to sign up for the email list at the top right hand corner of this entry so you can receive the next post on this topic right in your inbox.

Thank you for starting this journey with me.

Until next time,

Heather

Out of patience? Wait on teaching that new skill.

Tip for today: If you're out of patience, wait on trying to teach that new skill.

It's hard teaching kids new things. 

Sometimes they don't understand. 

Sometimes, they don't pay attention. 

Sometimes, they just don't listen.

 

If you're irritable, frustrated, and feeling stuck, walk away.  Try some other time.

At the gym today, I was trying to learn something new and my partner was irritated. She was rolling her eyes, sucking her teeth, and using a short tone when correcting me.

How do you think that went?

Instead of learning, I became distracted by her irritation.  Feeling embarrassed and defensive, I made more mistakes and the problem was only magnified.

The same is true for kids of all ages.  They really do want to please you.  They want you to be happy with them.  When they see that they aren't meeting your expectations, their focus shifts to that and way from whatever it is that you are trying to teach.

It's ok to tell your child or teen "Let's take a breather and go back to this later."

It sets you both up for success.

Thoughts from a Facebook time out

Have you ever set an impulsive or unrealistic consequence?

 

Do you shake your head in embarrassment knowing you disciplined first without knowing the facts?

 

Did you feel so fearful of a situation that you responded with undue caution or restriction?

Sigh.  Hi, Parents.

I write this as I sit in my first week of a Facebook time out.                           

Yes.  Me.  Good girl managed to tick off Facebook within her second week on the site!

I inadvertently triggered a Facebook algorithm that led to suspicion of spamming so they put a block on my account. I can't like or reply to my Facebook posts.

Well intentioned followers are trying to talk to me and I won't be allowed to reply for three more weeks!

What a helpful reminder about the consequences we set for kids.

Facebook did it all wrong.

1. They consequenced without asking questions
2. They didn't allow me to discuss what had happened or let me explain my side
3. Something that I did by accident in 5 seconds led to a punishment lasting 4 weeks
4. They didn't explain what I should do instead.  I had to ask a friend.
5. They taught me nothing.

However, as I sit in my unrealistic consequence, I can tell you how you can do it better for your child.

Here's a consequence guide to help you have a fair response:

1. What is the behavior you are trying to address? 
2. Why is it wrong and what do you want to teach instead?
3. Check in with yourself.  Are your feeling calm? If not, take space.
4. Check in with your child.  Is he/she calm? If not, provide some cool down options.  There will be time for consequence later.
5. Using a calm tone, at your child's eye level, ask your child what their intent was behind the behavior
6. Correct the thinking error.
7. Explain what you wanted to see instead.
8. Name the consequence. Connect it to what you wanted to teach in #2.
9. After the consequence, quickly check in with your child, reinforce the lesson and reconnect.

It's so much easier said than done, I know.  Sometimes answers like this just lead to more questions. 

Do you have a question? 

 

Ask me here in the comment session.

 

I'd be happy to answer. 

Taking the Mystery Out of Talking to Teens

A recent LinkedIn discussion centered around the question "If you had five minutes to share your greatest passion, what would it be and what would you say".

My answer: "How to Talk to Teens".  Yep.  Seriously.  No big world issue.  No big political discussion or hobby. Just straight talk on Talking to Teens.

Here's the thing.  I think teens are one of the most disenfranchised groups in our world today.  They are misunderstood and discounted. 

 

The biggest mistake I hear in "teen talk" is silence. 

It is so often assumed that there is no point in talking to teens because they won't listen.  It's assumed that they are just going to go off and do whatever they want anyway, so why bother telling them what to do.

This makes me crazy!

Tell kids of all ages what you want them to think.  If you have an opinion on sexual behavior between teens, let your teen know what your value is.  They should know where you stand on underage drinking, behavior on social media platforms, and a whole host of other things. 

When you assume that your teen has already made up his/her mind, you are giving up your personal power. 

 

You are handing your influence away. 

 

To who?  To their friends.  To other people on Facebook or Twitter.

Teens tend to isolate at times.  It is normal kid behavior and developmentally appropriate for them as they learn to separate from you.  That's ok. Give them their space but always create opportunities for them to come back when they are ready, rather than letting them stay gone.

 

No matter, what, keep talking to your teens. 

 

They may not talk back all the time but that doesn't mean they aren't listening.

Here's another secret.  Teens have a lot of opinions of their own.  They care about things.  They are developing their own social conscience and are determining their values.

Ask them what they think.  Show teen curiosity about their ideas and opinions.  Ask a follow up question.

Teens behavior can make us all nervous.  It can seem mysterious and foreign and we can worry about risk.

Don't be afraid to ask the tough questions. 

 

Just like we hear over the loud speaker in public transportation stations, "If you see something, say something".

 

If your teen is acting in a way that you don't understand, ask and show curiosity. 

 

The answer is often a lot less scary than whatever you are assuming it to mean.

 

Meet your teen where he/she is at.  While you may be expecting a good 1:1 conversation, you may learn that your best conversations happen in the car when they are protected from the pressure of eye contact. 

 

And as must it pains me to say it and you to read it:

 

Teens are texting these days and they are reading texts.

 

An easy way to keep in contact with your teen is through texting. 

 

Don't just text rules and reminders about curfew. 

 

Keep in touch with conversation. 

 

You'd be surprised in what you might get back.

 

 

Of course, as with anything, text in moderation. It can't be your sole mode of communication with your teen.

 

What's most important here is that you keep the conversation going.

 

You'll maintain your relationship with your teen.

 

 You'll increase the likelihood that when they have a tough decision to make, it's your voice they hear. 

 

 

Ok, so that probably was longer than a 5 minute talk.  As you can see, it's my passion. 

 

If you're needing help connecting with your teen, contact me, and we can get started on helping you get that conversation going.

 



 

We're All Just Grown Up Kids

One of my favorite "Heather-isms" is that "We are all just grown up kids".

When, as adults, we are struggling with something, if we tune into what a kid would need in that situation, we often find the answer.

Recently, in my quest to "dare greatly", I have been tackling new things.

As with anyone, they have brought up some old school insecurities that make me want to run away, hide, and challenge myself another day. 

This weekend, in an effort to burn off some of that stress and worry, I challenged myself with two new workouts. Yesterday was kickboxing at a real MMA gym that involved real boxing gloves and bag.  Today was a free Ultimate Bootcamp class outside.  If you're in the area, you know that means sit ups and push-ups in 90 degree weather!

If you told me last year that I would be doing those things, I'd have laughed and told you that you had mistaken me for someone else, someone more bad ass!  However, this weekend, that bad ass was me!  I overcame two new challenges that I never thought I would before. It reminded me of an important lesson that I try to teach kids:

Sometimes, if you find something that causes butterflies in your stomach, you can remind yourself of something brave you did and use that memory to tell the butterflies to go away.

As I continue to dare greatly and tackle those insecurities, I can remind myself of what I accomplished this weekend and use that to power through doubts and fears.

Parents, you are always tackling new things either as a parent or simply as a grown-up.  These moments can sometimes leave you with doubt and insecurity.  You might tell yourself that someone else would be doing a better job.

In those moments of doubt, remind yourself of the greatest challenge you overcame. 

Use that memory to fuel yourself through your current insecurity.  

I promise you.  You've got this.