The Accidental Parent Coach

I wasn't ever supposed to be a parent coach.

Truth be told, it wasn't that long ago when I mocked the term "parent coach". If someone told me then that my career would head in this direction, I would have laughed and told them they were crazy.

Seriously.

You see, I always prided myself on doing real work with kids. Starting in '97, for ten years, I worked in residential treatment working with the hardest to reach kids and their families.  The kids struggled emotionally and behaviorally.  They were the kids who couldn't be safely managed at home because they needed therapeutic services around the clock.

That's how I became the kid expert. 

I'm talking about the kids many would just give up on. They had acting out behaviors, trauma histories, eating disorders, drug addiction, and the list goes on. These kids were often depressed, anxious, or struggled with attachment.  Usually, they were managing some combination of all of these things.

My experience provided me with opportunities to really get to know kids, what makes them tick, and how to help them make better choices, too.  I've watched kids on the brink of juvenile delinquency get it together and return home.

I loved that work with a passion.  At times, honestly, it consumed me. 

I have often referred to leaving that job as my worst break-up. I left the work because having a work-life balance was becoming painfully difficult. While I loved working with kids and families, I also wanted the time and space to have my own life and I no longer wanted to engage in a constant fight for balance.  I wanted work that wouldn't force me to choose and so I built a counseling business.

Honestly, that's where I thought my professional story would end.  I am still pretty happy sitting in my office working with clients and helping them build the lives they want for themselves.

At the beginning of this year, though, I started to notice things.

At first I was troubled. 

Then, I got tuned in and once I was tuned in, I couldn't look away.

One mother was coming to me crying because she felt criticized by other moms for not breastfeeding her daughter.  A father was feeling guilty that he allowed one kid to watch TV while he helped the other son with his homework. Another parent was feeling isolated because her daughter was having behavior problems on playdates so she was avoiding moms groups.  This only served as a temporary fix because then she started worrying about her daughter's socialization.

Literally, it was one thing after another!!!! 

I was becoming increasingly aware of the toll that this helicopter parenting era is taking on parents today.

They are often trying to find the best way to do something while worrying that they are doing it wrong.

They are struggling with competing values.  They want their kids to be able to play independently while also learning to make friends and follow social rules.

They want their kids to eat healthy and exercise while worrying that they are setting the stage for their children to have body image concerns in the future.

Just sitting in my office listening to this made me tired for them.  I won't even mention the blogosphere of information that makes me cringe with their versions of perfect, mindful, calm parenting.

Ugh! 

It's all enough to make me want to shout "Being a good parent doesn't have to be accompanied by a side of worry and guilt. Your way can be the right way!  It usually is!! "

Shouting at your clients isn't really good for business when you're a therapist.

So, instead, almost on automatic pilot, my kid knowledge comes spewing forth as I help clients sift through their parenting challenges and work toward solutions.

One day, a client came to me with a question her friend had for me about her kid. Like light dawning over Marblehead, I realized that my kid knowledge was mostly sitting wasted and ignored.  While parents are sitting riddled with worry and doubt, I was sitting with my experience and possible answers.

 

That same day, while literally sitting at a red light, I decided to start a judgment-free business where parents could have their parenting questions and struggles addressed with simple, straight-forward responses.

No therapy.  No processing.  Just questions about their kids that I could answer.

 

So, what the heck is parent coaching anyway? 

In bare bones form, it is a consultation service where I get to know your concerns and questions and offer ways of responding. 

For parents of toddlers and pre-schoolers, this may involve helping you figure out bedtime, meal time, tantrums, or other behavior concerns.  For older kids, it may involve helping you navigate your child's weight and fitness, peer interactions, school performance, or internet usage. 

Parents of teens often need to address these same topics while also being mindful of the teen's need to separate and gain independence. Additionally, kids and teens are exploring their sexuality and sexual identity and that can be a tricky place for parents to navigate.   It can be a scary balance to find and I help parents clear the path.

I love the phrase "it's not like I was ever pulled aside and told what to do when my kid pulls a nutty in a restaurant".  You see, because of my experience, I was pulled aside and taught about things like this.

Better yet, I don't believe it's your fault when your kid is having her meltdown at the table but I do have some tips and tricks that can prevent the meltdown and I know to calm the situation faster.

Simply put, I want to help you help your kids.

If I am really going to do this and do it right, I thought it important for you to get to know me better with a more personal entry. I hope this wandering from my usual form and topics helps with that.

If you have a question, I am sure I can help.  Check out my website and contact me.

Thanks for reading. 

Until next time,
Heather

Parent Guilt Is Limiting Your Parenting Potential

"I'm such a bad parent.  I let my kids watch two hours of television today."
 

"I feel selfish for getting a sitter and leaving the kids home."

"It's hard being home sometimes.  I always feel like I should be doing something".
 

"I like my job and feel bad about it."
 

"I don't like admitting that I didn't breastfeed my child."
 

"God help me.  I fed my kid blue yogurt and an alphabet shaped chicken finger."

 

Sound familiar?

 

This is parent guilt and I'm telling you, it is limiting your potential as a parent.

 

Look, I get it. 

Parenting is a big job and you always want to make sure you're doing it right. Your parents have opinions.  Your friends have opinions.   The blogosphere is filled with information, jargon, tips, and tricks. 

I know I contribute to that noise in this little blog of my own here.

 

They all seem to imply the same thing--there is a right way to parent and there is a wrong way and if you go against the cultural norm, whatever that happens to be at the moment, you're doing it wrong.

 

Take it down a notch. 

Reboot your perspective.

Use a different lens.

I don't say this so I can blow smoke up your behinds and get all kumbaya on you.  No, I say this because while you are focusing on your coulda, shoulda, wouldas as parents, you are likely missing out on what is right in front of you.

Guilt, on some level, implies a knowing or an unknowing intent to harm.  The idea is that your conscience is telling you that you did something wrong and that you are causing damage.

When you live in this feeling as a chronic state, you are losing out on the ability to be present and in tune to your child. You are so busy wondering what the right thing to do is that you are missing out on moments of connection, memories, and teaching.

Guilt has its place.  It tells us we made a mistake. It nudges us when we go against our values despite knowing better. 

It's our moral compass.    

                                    

It is a powerful instrument and when we use it as regularly as we use a smartphone or our cars, we forfeit its power and it just becomes a humming noise in the background that no longer gets attention. 

If you're busy making dinner and you put a screen in front of your kid for a while, you are setting both you and the child up for success.  You have peace and quiet during dinner and the meal does not start with your irritation and their frustration at being in trouble.

This is not a reason to feel guilty.  It's a realistic parenting decision given the task at hand.

If you're out with friends, working out, doing a hobby and taking a break from the kids, you are refreshing yourself so you can be more authentic in the moment with your kids.

This is not a reason to feel guilty. You can enjoy your time with them more authentically because you have tuned into your authentic self.

A constant pressure to be "doing something" is something I hear from parents all the time.  What a setup for kids and adults alike!  How do kids learn about balance, relaxation, and self-care if it isn't modeled for them?  What kind of message do we send if we're always supposed to be "doing something?"

Sometimes in these guilt-ridden moments we are hearing our own voices or the voices of our parents.  More often though, it is the voice of "What will people think of me?"

How unfortunate. 

We want kids to react differently to that question while we, ourselves, obsess about it.

 

Instead of tuning into what others think, I encourage you to tune into what you think: 

 

What is your value? 

What are your intentions? 

Are you moving toward them in your choices or away from them?





Look, we all have minds of our own and as such, we are going to have different values. 

 

That isn't personal and you don't have to take it personally.

 

Sure, people may judge and they may disagree.

 

Yes, that will hurt.  It may even be a deep hurt.

 

However, if you are tuning into your values and living close to them, there is nothing to feel guilty about.

 

The real harm would be living any other way.  Some day, your kid will come to you.  He or she will feel bad because they didn't do something the rest of the group wanted to do and they will be judged and made fun of.

 

Sad but true.

 

After you talk yourself off the ledge of wanting to pummel that kid who hurt your child's feelings, you will want your son or daughter to tune into what they think is right, even if no one else does.

 

How are you supposed to teach this to your kids if you don't live it yourself?

 

How are you supposed to be in tune and mindful of your kids if you are buzzing about what others think you should be doing?

 

Everyone wants to preach about mindful parenting while slathering on guilt for being anything but.

 

I just don't think that works.

 

It's a set up for parents to fail.

 

In order to be in tune and mindful with their kids, parents need to be in tune and mindful of themselves and their values.

 

It doesn't work any other way.

 

Why?

 

Because some day, despite best efforts, you are going to make a mistake. 

 

You're going to snap and yell. You might even swear.  You might forget and not listen.

 

You'll want your conscience to ping at you so you can tune in, make an adjustment, and make amends.

 

That can't work if your parent guilt is pinging you every ten seconds!!!  You won't be able to tell the difference and you'll lose your focus.

 

That's when you really risk getting off course.

 

So, check in with yourselves here.

 

What are your values?

 

Are you working toward them more often than not?

 

Are you more tuned into what you think is best for your kids or what others think is best for your kids?

 

• If you're too busy yelling at yourself, you're missing out.
• If you keep hearing others' voices in your head instead of your own, you're missing out.
• Reboot.
• Shift lenses.
• Get in tune with yourself and your intent. 
• You know your heart. 
• You know your kid. 
• Leave the guilt aside for the moment. 
• Believe that you are doing the right things. 
• Tune in.

 

Now, what do you see? 

 

What do you hear?

 

How does your view shift and the picture change when you let guilt stand aside for the time being?

 

I'd love to know about your experiences and welcome you to share.

Mad Parenting: Teen Talk

Talking about teens with anger.

This is where it gets tricky, doesn't it?

Angry teens scare us.  We don't know what to say and we fear saying the wrong thing.

Teens can feel unreachable.                                       

Parents of teens walk the tightrope of giving independence and offering support.

It's downright scary.  So scary that sometimes parents are tempted to look away.

The older kids get, the more parents seem to fear their anger and wish to avoid it.  There is a tendency to minimize teen upsets with cliché's like "It will look better tomorrow" or "That's nothing to worry about". 

Sound familiar?  Do you hear yourself sometimes saying those things?

I get what's scary about addressing your teen's anger and upset.

It's the intensity.

Teens can either become loud and inconsolable or moody and isolative.  You may hear them say "I'm fine.  Nothing's wrong"

You get stuck between wanting to reach out and fearing that you will only irritate them further by intruding.

The truth here is "I'm fine." can be code for a lot of things:

• I feel stupid
• What if you don't understand
• I don't know how to talk about it
• I'm embarrassed
• It's not fair

Next time you get an "I'm fine" or an "I don't want to talk about it", try saying:
"I know you can handle things but you look stressed and your hands are clenched. You seem bothered. Let me know if you'd like to run something by me".

You can also try making a validating statement, if you think you know the cause of the upset: "It doesn't sound like your friend gave you a straight answer" or "You worked hard on that project.  It sucks not to get the grade you want when you put the effort in".

They key here is to validate without problem-solving. When they push you away, they are usually pushing away your problem-solving, not your support.

Teens are trying to figure things out for themselves and they need to.  You can always ask if they need help solving the problem but if not, just listen.

You'll want to work on tolerating their silence while maintaining an open door. Let them hide in their room but later on, see if they want to talk.  Like us grown-up kids, sometimes they need time to sort their thoughts and feelings out before being able to talk about what is upsetting them.

Often with school-aged kids, they are clamoring for your 1:1 attention.  They would love nothing more than to sit and talk and have you listen. 

It's different with teens.

Teens are trying to sort out and find their independence while still having a relationship with you.  It's dicey and complicated for them so sometimes they work through the ambivalence by pulling further away.

That's the hardest thing for parents of teens.  The silence from their teen.  Not being included.

                                                                       

 

I'll tell you a secret. 

They do want and need your support. 

They just struggle with acknowledging it so you might have to take the back door approach.  

Stop trying for a 1:1 talk across the kitchen table.

Instead, take advantage of car rides which offer the luxury of avoiding making eye contact.  This helps kids feel safer and less interrogated.

If you know something is on their mind but they aren't talking about it, send them a supportive text message.  What they might not be able to say out loud, they may be able to send in a text.

Be old fashioned and take pen to paper.  Write your teen a note and let him or her know you are noticing that something is bothering them and you are there if they want to talk or if writing is easier, they can just write back.

Balance support with accountability.

Regardless if a teen is talking about their upset or not, make sure they are managing their feelings appropriately.  Set consequences in the moment, if necessary.

If your teen is exhibiting anger that is out of control, he or she is likely feeling out of control.  Limits help kids regain a sense of control because they remind teens that an adult is in charge.

Parents don't always like to punish emotional reactions because they fear that they are telling their teen that their feelings aren't ok.

Not true. Setting consequences on outbursts tells the teen that their behavior isn't ok.

Try saying: "Look, I get that you're ticked off about something.  I get, too, that you're not up for talking about it.  That's fine.  However, you do not get to snap at me or be impatient with your brother.  If you can't be nice around us, go to your room and calm down. If you stay here and continue to be rude, plan on losing your phone for the night".

This approach validates the feeling but also teaches teens that their overwhelming feelings are no excuse for acting out or disrespectful behaviors.

Don't take it personally if your teen talks to an adult other than you. Sometimes, that is an easier way for them to save face or be vulnerable.  Just be glad they are talking to someone.

See your teen stuck in mad mode and unable to calm down?

Try suggesting:

• A run
• A shower
• Punching a pillow
• Screaming into a pillow
• Playing a video game
• Reading
• Ripping up a phone book (remember those?) or thick newspaper/magazine
• Writing a letter with all of their angry thoughts and words and then ripping it up

Teens are under so many stressors and sometimes, like any of us, their anger will run away from them.

The important thing to remember is that you want to:

1. Validate the upset
2. Hold accountability when necessary
3. Offer and create opportunities to support
4. Remember that this, too, shall pass!!!!

Mad Parenting: Your school-aged child

With little kids, managing anger involved:

1. Preventing anger when possible
2. Remaining calm during an outburst
3. Gaining an understanding of what was upsetting
4. Responding with consistency.

It can be fairly black and white when considering preschoolers and anger. 

As kids enter elementary school, the shades of grey can emerge.  This is when kids learn that anger can be a defense against feeling the more uncomfortable feelings like sad, disappointed, jealous, or embarrassed.  Much like us grown-up kids, they will learn that mad can hide those softer feelings.

After, all, being mad can feel awesome sometimes! 

When you're mad, you're in control.  People pay attention to you.  They may even hesitate around you.  Anger can give us a sense of power in powerless situations and kids are quick to figure that out.

As kids get older and learn about their anger, the adult's "job" essentially remains the same:

• Understand what is upsetting your child
• Validate your child's experience
• Consistently respond to behaviors that deserve consequences with consequences
• Offer ways of calming down
• Guide your child through a process of resolution

Sometimes, though, the behavior and response your child is having is so startling that everything you instinctively know goes out the window.  You get scared that something is seriously wrong with your kid.  You worry that it's all your fault somehow.  You become frozen in the worry place and everything quickly goes to hell in a handcart.

What anger can look like in school-aged kids:                                 

• "I hate you" or"I wish you were dead", or worse, "I wish I was dead".
• Acting out by throwing something or hitting
• Isolating by refusing to talk or join activities
• Irritability and low-frustration tolerance

Nothing makes the phone ring faster in my office than when a parent hears rage-filled words or sees aggressive behaviors like these coming from their child.  It can be paralyzing to hear such anger coming from such a small body. It's scary to see your child act with aggression. In the wake of the Newtown, CT tragedy, parents hear these words and worry that their child could someday be capable of destruction.

What to know:

• It is normal for kids to feel and experience rage
• They are feeling powerful emotions and exploring powerful responses to them
• These are misguided attempts to get control of a situation (just as when a careless driver cuts us off with kids in the car and we suddenly want to run the driver off the road).
• Kids are usually feeling out of control when they say or do these things
• They need adults to take control and help them calm down
• Kids say things they don't mean, too!
• Kids are sensitive to changes in their environment.  When changes occur that they don't understand, they respond by acting out. This gives them a sense of control they are looking for.

What to do:

1. Stop freaking out that your child actually means these angry statements and behaviors and stay calm
2. Talk about and validate the obvious changes to the environment that your child may be responding to: If someone has been sick or if there is conflict in the family, say so and validate that these things can be upsetting. Don't pretend these things away or tell yourself a story that they aren't "kid business" or something that is affecting them.
3. Ask questions and show curiosity about what they are thinking or feeling
4. Try to understand the situation
5. Validate the feeling.  You don't have to validate the behavior.
6. If you don't think they should feel that way, pipe down.  Validate anyway.  How did it go for you the last time someone told you that you shouldn't feel a certain way?
7. Help your child calm down.
8. Refrain from the teachable moment until the child is calm. No one learns when they are agitated.
9. Ask your child what he/she wanted you to hear in their moment of upset vs. what they actually said
10. Explain to your child, the effect those words have on you and how they make you feel
11. If you have had this conversation before, now might be the time to deliver a consequence for scaring other people
12. Offer ways your child could have responded differently by:
1. Taking space
2. Punching a pillow
3. Finding a safe space to jump up and down
4. Running or exercising
5. Talking to someone
6. Reading
7. Screen time
8. Drawing and art
9. Playing with animals (if calm, of course)
13. Remember that all of these are good options your child can try before an outburst
14. During an outburst, you will need to be directive in calming your child down and only use options that make sense. Rewarding angry words with screen time, for example, sends a mixed message.

This stuff isn't easy and when your fears get in the way, it only gets harder.

Let me know how I can help.

Mad Parenting: Toddlers and Preschoolers

In my introduction to the Mad Parenting series, I challenged you to check in with yourselves about your own experiences and thoughts about anger.

No, it wasn't because my therapist side was starting to itch!

It's because it's important for you to see your child's anger differently than you see your own.

 

Here are some tidbits about anger in toddlers and preschoolers.       

• Anger in toddlers and preschoolers is normal and to be expected.
• These tiny people are trying to learn so many new things and sometimes they don't have words for all of the things that they are learning.
• Angry behaviors become a way of communicating when they lack the words.
• With this age group, anger is less about aggression and more about learning the power and control they can have in their environment.
• Kids begin to learn that when they choose certain actions, they can get BIG reactions and they test that out.
• These young ones are smaller than their environment so good ol' fight or flight kicks in.  They either run to hide behind you or they puff up and defend.

The best way to manage your child's anger is with prevention. 

Activity Prevents Anger

• Toddlers and preschoolers have a ton of energy running through their bodies.  
• Without opportunities to release that energy naturally through play, running outside, and physical activity, they are more likely to have a low frustration tolerance

Prevention is all about Preparation. 

• If you know what typically sets your child off, have a plan
• If your daughter always cries and tantrums when it's time to leave the playground, you can prep her with extra reminders before it's time to go and name something for her to look forward to when she gets home.
• If your son has more outbursts when he's tired, you can work on insuring that naps and quiet time are more consistent.
• Set your kids up for success by practicing things they may struggle with. 
• Remind your child of the rules and consequences before the activity.
• Reinforce the skills you are trying to teach by praising them when they remain calm during a frustrating time. 



What to Do When Your Little One Acts Or Responds in Anger

• Remain calm. Remember what I said about kids learning how to get big reactions out of their environment?  If you overreact in the moment, getting that big reaction will be reinforced.
• Respond Quickly and Consistently.  Each time your child acts out or reacts with anger, he/she should receive the same response from you.
• Using a neutral voice tone, at their eye level, calmly validate that you see they are upset
• Encourage them to remove themselves from the situation so they can tell you what's bothering them
• No one can learn anything when they are upset.  This is why it's important for your child to be calm before you teach.
• Once you have a handle on what's bothering them, Explain: 1)what you saw, 2)why it was wrong, and 3) what they could do instead.
• If appropriate, label a consequence.
• After the consequence, reinforce the teachable moment and send them on their way
• If necessary, guide an amends process.
• This may mean retrieving a toy they threw and putting it back
• It may mean an apology or accepting responsibility for someone they may have hurt

What if I don't agree with the whole calming before consequence thing?

I'm sure some of you will want to skip the whole calming down part and move right to a consequence. 

That's fine.

However, I usually think that immediate consequences are more appropriate for older kids. In theory, they have already learned these lessons a number of times, have had opportunities to practice, and chose to act out in anger anyway. 

Toddlers and preschoolers are just not that sophisticated.  They don't have that processing ability and shouldn't be expected to.

Need the Cliff Notes?

1. Prevent Anger When Possible
2. Remain Calm
3. Gain An Understanding of What is Upsetting
4. Respond Consistently

Still feeling unsure?  This stuff isn't easy.  A 30 minute consult might help you out and I am happy to help.

 

Don't miss the next installment in this series! Go to the top right of this page and sign-up for email notifications and the next entry, "Mad Parenting: School Aged Children" will be sent right to your inbox.

 

Until next time,

Heather

 

 



Mad Parenting: Are You Good With Anger?

Is your kid allowed to be angry? Are you?

This moment is either already familiar to you or is one that leaves you with a feeling of dread.

Your child throws a toy in frustration.

Your little one cries uncontrollably and is inconsolable.        

Your teen slams a door.

You hear rage-filled words like "I hate you" or "I wish you were dead".



If you're the parent of a younger child, you might call it a "meltdown".  For your older child, you might consider it a "phase" or console yourself with the thought that "she just needs to learn to accept no for an answer".

Parents,  let's call this what it is.  Your child is angry.  Mad.  Frustrated. Maybe even enraged.

Anger is something that us grown-up kids have a real problem with.  We're not supposed to get angry.  We're not supposed to want to throw something against a wall.  If we feel that something in life is unfair, we're supposed to just deal with it.

Over and over again, we receive societal messages and expectations that tell us not to get mad.  This is what we've been taught and as a result, this is what we are teaching our kids.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Before I can help you manage and accept your child's anger, I have to help you first understand and accept your own.

Anger is just a feeling.  It has no more power over you than happy or sad.  It has a bad reputation because it is what sometimes leads people to scream, throw things, or lose control. So, we try to shut it down quickly,

That "shutting it down" is repression and when we repress our feelings, any of our feelings, they come out in other ways.  They may surface through depression.  You might withdraw from the relationships that make you feel angry.  Your body may literally hurt as your anger tightens into tension within your muscles.

We're all just grown-up kids here and what is true for us is true for kids. 

If they don't get to be angry, feel disappointment, and yes, even rage, their feelings will just show up in other ways.  Younger kids may have trouble settling for bed, have more crying spells or may struggle when playing with other kids.  Older kids may withdraw, stop talking, sulk about, and answer questions in short, rude tones.

These changes in kid behavior are what makes parents so nervous.  This is where the temptation to push the anger away and quickly redirect it comes from.  That makes sense.  No one will feel comfortable watching their child feel angry. 

That's ok.  You're the parent.  You're supposed to feel that way.

However, accepting and validating that your child or teen feels anger is the first step toward helping him or her manage it.

Don't worry.  I am not about to tell you to embrace a slammed door and relish in hearing hateful words.  They are not acceptable responses to anger and you'll have to teach your child to do better. 

I can help with that as we continue here.

Are you ready? 

In the coming weeks:

1. I am going to continue this conversation on anger. 
2. I am going to teach ways of validating the feelings your child is showing or expressing.
3. I am going to provide words and skills you can use with your child in those moments.

As you prepare for this journey with me, prepare yourself and take stock:

• How comfortable are you when you are feeling mad or angry?
• What sorts of things make you feel mad or angry?
• What do you do in those moments?
• Do you think the people in your life allow you to be angry?
• If not, how does that make you feel?
• How does it feel to watch someone else angry? 
• What was the last thing that made you mad?  Did someone validate it or minimize it?
• When you are angry, what do you need to feel calm?

I am sure you're impatient for me to just get to it--to jump in to helping you help your kid.

Not so fast. 

Before you help your child with his/her anger, you have to know what you are bringing to the table. 

• Get in tune with your thoughts and values about anger. 
• Prepare yourself to accept that your child gets mad and even feels rage. 

Depending on your own personal history with anger, this might have you feeling nervous, fearful, or insecure about your abilities. 

It's ok.  You've got this. 

We're going to work together and I am going to show you how.

Still with me? 

This has been a long one and I thank you for sticking with me.

Don't miss out on what comes next: when I talk about working with managing the anger in your little ones. 

Make sure to sign up for the email list at the top right hand corner of this entry so you can receive the next post on this topic right in your inbox.

Thank you for starting this journey with me.

Until next time,

Heather

Out of patience? Wait on teaching that new skill.

Tip for today: If you're out of patience, wait on trying to teach that new skill.

It's hard teaching kids new things. 

Sometimes they don't understand. 

Sometimes, they don't pay attention. 

Sometimes, they just don't listen.

 

If you're irritable, frustrated, and feeling stuck, walk away.  Try some other time.

At the gym today, I was trying to learn something new and my partner was irritated. She was rolling her eyes, sucking her teeth, and using a short tone when correcting me.

How do you think that went?

Instead of learning, I became distracted by her irritation.  Feeling embarrassed and defensive, I made more mistakes and the problem was only magnified.

The same is true for kids of all ages.  They really do want to please you.  They want you to be happy with them.  When they see that they aren't meeting your expectations, their focus shifts to that and way from whatever it is that you are trying to teach.

It's ok to tell your child or teen "Let's take a breather and go back to this later."

It sets you both up for success.