I had quite the morning.
At the gym today, my instructor wanted me to do this.
|Nope. Not me. Not today.|
Yes. Me. Seriously.
I wasn't just over my head literally. Trying something like this put me over my head emotionally. I got all caught up in the idea that I was about to be embarrassed. That the kids around me who were 15 years younger were about to watch the old one wipe out.
I tried. One leg got maybe 65 percent up with the other one maybe 50.
I tried again. I was supposed to hold the damned position for 20 seconds. Then, I was supposed to do it again for Eight. More. Times.
I know. Crazy.
Last week, in the same gym, I left feeling like a badass. I was doing the thing I didn't think I could do.
Today wasn't last week.
I could feel tears prickling at the back of my eyes. My inner critic was telling me I bit off more than I could chew. Another voice inside mocked me for ever wanting to challenge myself in the first place.
It was easier when I cared less. When I wasn't trying. Then, my instructor, at least ten years younger than me, is standing near me. I know that in actuality, he was having my back. He was keeping an eye on me. He really is a good guy and he really does believe in me. I know this.
All I felt was fear.
I didn't want to play anymore. I didn't want to be the badass today.
I was going to embarrass myself in front of him. He must be asking himself "What is she even doing here?"
Because my head was literally facing the ground, I couldn't see any of the young whipper snappers doing their thing. In my head, they were all perfectly erect. I was the poor sucker with legs flailing all about and who gravity was deeply betraying.
I wanted to leave. To run away home to the safe, predictable treadmill.
I kept trying though.
I hated every. single. second.
Bet ya thought I was about to get all kumbaya on you, didn't you?
That was only 15 minutes into class and I had 45 more to go. I was in the weeds. I was miserable. Self-conscious. Doubting. Embarrassed. Just overwhelmed and wanting to get the hell out of Dodge.
Where is Dodge, anyway? I might need directions for next time.
So, class finally ended and I got to the safety of my car and gave a few tears their release. Called my sister. She got me into this whole fitness thing, anyway, and she's been taking risks and trying new things, too.
I started to feel better emotionally but my body was hurting. Feelings and body were both feeling pretty tender, actually.
Yep. Rough morning. Not my finest.
You've had them, too, right? That's my story of why you parents come here.
Because sometimes it is so overwhelming. You have your values. You know what's important to you. You know why you are trying so hard to communicate better. You're working to get that consistent limit setting thing down.
You also want a clean house. To have the luxury of pee-ing in private. Maybe even get a shower in at least once a day.
Sometimes, it just doesn't happen. You put in all of the effort and have the best of intentions but you experience an epic fail in execution.
I get it. Those days just suck. They hurt. They make you cry. They make you go to this crazy blogosphere for information because you have convinced yourself you don't know anything at all.
I hope those days don't happen for you very often. If they do, I hope you'll consider finding support here or on my Facebook page.
In the meantime, remember this: Own it. Believe it.
Sometimes, Parents, It's all in the trying.
You showed up. Took your chance. It didn't work but you tried. Trying is better than not even showing up. It's better than not being present. It's better than returning to a mindless place where you didn't think about or worry about your parenting values.
Every day. You show up. You try. That counts. A lot.
Some days, it's everything.
On days like today, you'll feel like me. Battered. Bruised. Hurting physically and/or emotionally.
You'll need to take a break and have TLC. Fall TV is back and I get remote control access tonight so I know where I'll be and I'll love every second of it.
Take care of you. Be proud of yourself. Take it easy. And- when you're ready,
Know another parent who could benefit from what you've found here? I encourage you to consider sharing it with your friends and passing the support on.
Until next time,